Irish Jokes from year Last, and St. Pat's History [rec.h ------ An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" ------ Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!" ------What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade. ------How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. ------Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us." ------Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. ------Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." ------Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was taller than that." ------How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. ------Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! " ------Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan anymore?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints! " cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." ------ As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other. "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" ------ When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes! ================================================== Saint Patrick Patrick's Roots Almost 1500 years ago the patron saint and national hero of Ireland was born to a Gaelic family who had migrated to Britain. The child was called Succat, which means "warlike". Since Britain was part of the Roman Empire and had become Christian, the child was baptized and called Patricius, meaning "noble". For 16 years, Patrick lived a normal life as the son of a prosperous landowner and magistrate. Patrick the Slave At that time, a warlike irish king, Niall of the Nine Hostages,raided Britain, and among the people captured was Patrick. He was sold as a slave and tended sheep for six years on a mountain in Ireland called Slemish. Finally, Patrick was told by an angel that a boat was waiting for him. He made his escape and got on a boat bound for France with a cargo of Irish wolfhounds, which were greatly prized. From there Patrick made his way to Rome. Patrick the Missionary Patrick studied to become a missionary, for he decided to return to Ireland to convert the pagan Irish. He was not the first missionary to go to Ireland, but the others before him had not been of Irish descent and had little success. Patrick was made a bishop and, along with two deacons, arrived in Wicklow in 432 A.D. Patrick and the Shamrock This tiny weed, a memeber of the clover family, was used by Patrick to explain the mystery of the Trinity, the three leaves of the shamrock representing the Trinity (the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit). Patrick and the Snakes The good saint prayed that no venomous beast would live in Ireland and it has worked. At least there is nobody else with a similar claim. Patrick in Ireland The first thing Patrick did was to seek permission from the Irish Kings to do his missionary work. Here his knowledge of the Irish language and customs helped his effort. Patrick was allowed to do his work, but not without inflicting pain. According to legend, while preaching a sermon on the patience and suffering of Christ to King Aengus, Patrick accidentally drove his staff through the King's foot. The good King didn't cry out thinking this was the moral of the sermon. When Patrick realized what had happened he prayed, and the foot was miraculously cured. Patrick's Legacy From 432 till his death on March 17, 461, Patrick covered the length and breadthof Ireland spreading the word of Christ. There are legend associated with the saint in every part of Ireland. Croagh (pronounced Croak) Patrick is a mountain where he is said to have spent 40 days fasting. St. Patrick's Purgatory is a well known shrine on an island in Donegal. St. Pat's history from World Wide Web site URL: http://www.classicalmus.com/bmgclassics/promotions/irish/stpatinfo.html -- Michael Brun--Tucson Arizona. The Microsoft Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form, in whole or in part. Copyright, (C) Michael Brun, 1995. License to distribute this post is available to Microsoft for $800. Appearance without permission constitutes agreement to these terms.