Date: Mon, 22 Jan 1996 12:46:00 -0600 (CST) From: Tom A. Kramer Humor in the Court >>>>Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are >>>>uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with >>>>language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of >>>>courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every >>>>statement made during the proceedings. >>>> >>>>Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand >>>>Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers >>>>in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, >>>>published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are >>>>some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of >>>>the word: >>>> >>>> Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? >>>> A. Borofkin. >>>> Q. What's his first name? >>>> A. I can't remember. >>>> Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't >>>> remember his first name? >>>> A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness >>>> chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, >>>> tell them your first name! >>>> >>>> Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? >>>> A. I refuse to answer that question. >>>> Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? >>>> A. I refuse to answer that question. >>>> Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? >>>> A. No. >>>> >>>> Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? >>>> A. By death. >>>> Q. And by whose death was it terminated? >>>> >>>> Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? >>>> A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. >>>> >>>> Q. What is your name? >>>> A. Ernestine McDowell. >>>> Q. And what is your marital status? >>>> A. Fair. >>>> >>>> Q. Are you married? >>>> A. No, I'm divorced. >>>> Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? >>>> A. A lot of things I didn't know about. >>>> >>>> Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? >>>> A. My ex-widow said it. >>>> >>>> Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? >>>> A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children >>>> by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. >>>> >>>> Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? >>>> A. I will be three months November 8th. >>>> Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? >>>> A. Yes. >>>> Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? >>>> >>>> Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? >>>> A. I should be. >>>> Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? >>>> A. Four times. >>>> >>>> Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead >>>> people? >>>> A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. >>>> >>>> Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? >>>> A. Yes, sir. >>>> Q. Before or after he died? >>>> >>>> Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the >>>> influence? >>>> A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his >>>> words. >>>> >>>> Q. What happened then? >>>> A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can >>>> identify me." >>>> Q. Did he kill you? >>>> A. No. >>>> >>>> Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a >>>> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? >>>> A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. >>>> >>>> THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all >>>> present information and prejudice from your minds, if you >>>> have any. >>>> >>>> Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? >>>> A. No. >>>> Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? >>>> A. Picking them up in the air. >>>> Q. Where was the dog at this time? >>>> A. Attached to the ears. >>>> >>>> Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and >>>> were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on >>>> her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning >>>> you and she, with him to the station? >>>> MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and >>>> shot. >>>> >>>> Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? >>>> What school do you go to? >>>> A. Oral. >>>> Q. How old are you? >>>> A. Oral. >>>> >>>> Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff? >>>> A. She is my daughter. >>>> Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? >>>> >>>> Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where >>>> there was a victim? >>>> >>>> Q. ...and what did he do then? >>>> A. He came home, and next morning he was dead. >>>> Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? >>>> >>>> Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you >>>> indignities? >>>> A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the >>>> furniture. >>>> >>>> Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did >>>> you observe with respect to your scalp? >>>> A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. >>>> Q. It was covered? >>>> A. Yes, bandaged. >>>> Q. Then, later on.. what did you see? >>>> A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed >>>> and put on top of my head. >>>> >>>> Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? >>>> A. I could see his head. >>>> Q. And where was his head? >>>> A. Just above his shoulders. >>>> >>>> Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of >>>> this defendant? >>>> A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that >>>> sonofabitch - and she did! >>>> >>>> Q. Do you drink when you're on duty? >>>> A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. >>>> >>>> Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a >>>> murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? >>>> A. The victim lived. >>>> >>>> Q. Are you sexually active? >>>> A. No, I just lie there. >>>> >>>> Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? >>>> A. Yes, I have been since early childhood. >>>> >>>> Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, >>>> objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? >>>> A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. >>>> >>>> Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present? >>>> A. It indicates intercourse. >>>> Q. Male sperm? >>>> A. That is the only kind I know. >>>> >>>> Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you? >>>> A. Yes, sir. >>>> Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right? >>>> >>>> Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? >>>> >>>> >>>> From the experience of the person who passed all these along...., in a >>>>courtroom in Tallahassee, Florida. >>>> >>>> >>>> Potential Juror: Sir, I heard you can get off jury duty if >>>> you are pregnant? Is that true? >>>> Judge: Yes Ma'm, that's an option of the court. >>>> How long have you been pregnant? >>>> >>>> Potential Juror: Ohhhhhhhhhh, about an hour.......... >>>>